And so

E is now engaged to be married. I have been preparing myself over the last week or two for this, but was actually informed of this tonight, at the bar, at our local. I've had a few drinks and am therefore a bit sentimental, but I do want him to be happy. And he says he is.

Pre-date

I am meeting a man on Wednesday that I know a little bit from a group music lesson I take. I started to think that I might like to get to know him, so after much angsting about whether I would cause problems and disrupt the harmony of the group, I decided to suggest to him (via a message on facebook - I was still feeling a bit too shy to do it in person) that we meet for a drink sometime in between in the lessons.

I rarely have a problem with asking people out, but for some reason I found myself feeling rather terrified. Would he reject me and then would the harmony in our music class be disrupted? Would be meet up and then I decide that I didn't like him, perhaps causing more disruption? I eventually threw caution to the wind and sent him a message on facebook.

He responded quickly and positively, and over the last week we have been sending regular messages back and forth about various things in our lives - jobs mostly, sport, music, and so on. We have planned to meet this Wednesday after work at a location equidistant between our respective workplaces. A casual, post-work drink, no big thing.

Except that I think I might like him. He is easy to talk to, which is a big plus for me, as I find most people irritating and/or boring. He seems stable and put together, but also rather adventurous. Looks-wise, he is not really my type (in fact I have been told this by two separate people), but hey, I am ready for something different. Or at least to give it a shot.

I was talking to my sister tonight and she asked if there were any men in my life. "Er, I think I might have a date this week, but I'm not really sure if you would call it that". She laughed at me and then on my suggested, she conceded that I could call it a pre-date.

Watch this space.

meaning

I think a difficult thing about life is putting all your life meaning into relationships. The problem with this, is that relationships come and go and when they go, we are left without that meaning. So now I am trying to find some meaning for myself that is only dependent on me, not on others.

This is not going to be easy, but it seems important.

Confusion, as usual

I sometimes feel like I am in the mood to bang my head against the table. This might be because of my ever-so-complicated-non-love-life. Or perhaps the tangled web. Since E's birthday we have slept together a few times. It is now a week until he goes to visit his actual (as opposed to secret, ie me) lady friend. He, his friend C, and I had drinks this evening. I foolishly sat across from them both thinking - the reason I want to sleep with C is because it seems like a challenge, slightly wrong (being E's friend) and because he might be nice to wake up to in the morning. I also then looked 8 inches to my left to see E and think - the reason I want to sleep with E is because it is a bit (but less so) of a challenge (bearing in mind time/place/morals/etc), slightly wrong (as he is involved with someone), and because I know he is nice to wake up to in the morning.

I am left feeling a bit pathetic and silly and home on my own. I didn't try to take either of them back - it didn't seem quite right. I could have invited them both back for further drinking, but then I would have just been confused, so there was little point.

And so it goes!

Birthday shag and a new friend

Tuesday was E's birthday. He didn't want to make a fuss at turning 33, so invited a few friends for a low-key drink at our local. E had invited a random selection of people - some I knew, some I didn't, and one I had met once before. His name was CS.

E made a typical, excitable fuss about how he thought we would get along. The night passed with a lot of drink and merriment, cigarettes and chats. E was given a shot of absinthe by the landlord, who was charmingly drunk and handing out hugs like candy. The absinthe put E over the edge of drunkenness.

The pub closed and we were kicked out. We stood outside smoking and finishing drinks whilst various individuals from the evening filtered away to their respective homes. Th

at left me, E, and CS standing outside the pub. I asked what their plans were - we could all go to our respective homes, or they could come back to mine in order to keep drinking. E was clearly very drunk and gave an alternate proposal - he said that he wanted to inappropriately touch my breasts. Whilst not out of character, this suggestion did catch me off guard as he had previously asked me to be discrete about our sexual relationship. I laughed nervously and tried to brush it off. CS made jokes about what would constitute "inappropriate".

I eventually got E off the subject of my breasts and convinced the two of them that we should go back to mine for another drink. We went back with Polish lager bought from the all-night shop. E promptly fell asleep on the couch with a glass of beer in hand. CS and I talked and smoked and drank for some time. Time passed, E woke up and concluded that he needed to go to sleep, and CS left in order to make his way home. It was 4am.

E and I slept, then woke up and fucked until we were sweaty, exhausted, and satisfied. We got ready for work - had a shower (and I learned that he wears his glasses in the shower), dressed and set off. Bearing in mind E's attachment to the Australian bird, he asked me to tell CS that he slept on the couch if it came up. I reminded him that he had been rather indiscreet the night before, but agreed.

A few days have passed, and interestingly, I keep thinking about CS and how I would like to see him again.

Not for me

It was T's birthday last night so a group of us went out in Camden. When there, I texted N to invite him along and along he came. After we got kicked out of the pub, we went on to a club. Dance Dance Revolution. It was all good fun.

Eventually, I got hot and went outside for a smoke. N had disappeared, but I received a text from him. He seemed to have left and gone home. As his home was a few minute walk from the club, I went over. We had a smoke and a beer and then he kissed me. We went upstairs and had sloppy drunken sex then feel asleep.

Throughout the evening and morning he was pesting me about why I describe myself as "emotionally unavailable". I think he wants to get involved. He was a bit overly cuddly and demanding.

Morning and sobriety came and shagged again, but as a result of the sobriety (I think) he lasted about 90 seconds. What a let down. I left.

Conclusion: N is okay, not amazingly interesting or engaging, and perhaps a bit too needy. And not that interesting sexually. Definitely not the guy for me.

summer holiday

On 12 July I was due to meet two people I had met once from gumtree at Luton Airport to catch a flight to Nimes in order to spend two weeks at a naturist resort in the South of France. So what did I do? On the night before, I went out in Camden Town. Met a man (let's call him "N (small mouth") from an internet dating site and then various friends joined us in the pub.

I proceeded to get quite drunk, got in a big argument with T, then carried on drinking. N (small mouth) lives in Camden, so after the pub chucked us out, a group of us went back to his to carry on drinking. On one hand, I knew I was pissed and had to get up early for a flight - I therefore switched to water. On the other hand, it was already gone 2am and I had been drinking for hours - not even close to sobering up.

Aforementioned friends went out to get more booze. In the meantime, N (small mouth) and I started getting-it-on on the floor of his lounge. Interupted by the buzzer (friends were back with booze), we then retired to his bedroom and fucked in a clumsy-due-to-too-much-booze sort of way. Twice.

He fell asleep (though after begging me to stay over and me refusing). I decided to SORT MY SHIT OUT. It was 6am. I was still drunk. My flight was in five hours. I caught a night bus home. It was 7am. I considered leaving for the airport right away. I decided that I could do with 45 minutes kip before heading to the airport.

Next thing I knew, I awoke to a text from friend from previous night saying she hoped I got off ok. It was 10:30. FUCK. My flight was at 11:15 from Luton and I was still in London. I rang friend in a panic. Should I get a cab and try to rush to Luton? No, there wasn't enought time. I had to cut my losses, ring the people I didn't really know in order to tell them that I was a flake and was going to miss the flight, and then book another flight for the following day. There is only one flight a day from London to Nimes and it is by RyanAir.

FuckFuckFuck. I hyperventiliated. I cried. I rang my brother. I rang my ex-husband. I rang all my friends who would listen. I rang my mother. I booked a flight (for an extra 120 squid) for the following day and then I started to sober up and get a hangover. I was depressed. I had argued with a close friend. I had missed my flight for a holiday I was looking forward to for months. I wondered whether I had a drinking problem, or some other deep seated personality disorder that caused me to act in self-destructive ways.

N(small mouth) texted to say he had fun last night and that he hoped I had a good time in France. I told him I missed my flight. He offered to buy me lunch out of guilt. I accepted and whinged the entire time.

Fast forward to two days later - I was in a naturist resort in sunny France, lounging naked in the sun, surrounding by other naked people. It was grand. Two whole weeks of being naked in France, sunny weather, swimming in the river, hiking, cheese, and reading. Life was good again.

here we go again

My annual work garden party was on Wednesday. Having not seen E for about 2 months (since we last discussed the possibility of having some some no-strings-attached-sex), I decided to invite him. He cleans up nice and makes for an entertaining date, and I thought he would like the old-time venue: Middle Temple. He said yes and was more reliable then usual.

We had a lovely time - better than most previous garden parties, partly because the weather was good, partly because of the company, and partly because I didn't get as drunk as usual. I should say that I did have in mind drinking less because of the possibility of getting laid (the first time since splitting with AJ I might add).

After the garden party ended we went along with my co-workers to our usual post-garden-party pub and carried on drinking. Then snogging. Then talking about how much we wanted to have sex with each other.

He then said a rather peculiar thing: "I'd really like to fuck you, but I should tell you first that I am in love with someone else." Well, that was a bit of a passion killer. But not for long - I got over it, because the girl he is in love with lives in Australia. Silly man. He made up for it by telling me that he had had the best sexual experience of his life with me. I then nearly ripped his shirt off in the alley way outside the pub.

We went back to mine and had slightly drunken, but rather fun in a tired/drunk sort of way, sex. We then slept, and fucked again in the morning, before he left to go home in order to get ready for work, and I got in the shower to get ready for my own job. It was very comfortable and we had a rather sweet goodbye kiss.

So now I am being warned by friends: do not let yourself get sucked in. "I won't" I say. But its hard. I have known him for about two and a half years, and I do think I am a little bit in love with him. However, in all the time we have known each other, he has eluded me. We talked a bit that night about how we would make both a great and terrible couple.

And so it goes, my unrequited love has been ever so slightly reignited. But I am doing my best to quash it before it causes any trouble. To that end, I am meeting a man from an internet dating site tomorrow afternoon. Not that I want a boyfriend...

lost

I feel as those I have lost myself somehow, sometime - possibly in the last six months or so. Friends have moved away and lost touch. Aspects of my life have fallen away. I feel a strong sense of dissatisfaction with my life. I feel as though the only thing in my life right now is work, and that is deeply uninteresting and unsatisfying. There is something very pathetic about it being the weekend and wishing away the weekend so I can get back to work with something to focus on, some sense of structure.

I met a man the other day. We had a bottle of wine, then went for a meal at a really cool and interesting art cafe that he recommended - more wine. We argued about the class nature of picket lines over dinner. We then went for another drink at a pub. We then went back to my place and had another drink and listened to math rock until 3:30am. It was the most fun and interesting evening I had in a while.

He asked if he could stay over, as it was late. We got into bed, had a bit of a drunken fool around, then went to sleep. We both had to go to work in the morning, but he woke up and had a shower then skulked out at about 7am - I went back to sleep. There was something very awkward about the morning, but then again, mornings are always awkward.

I didn't know if I really fancied him, or if I even wanted something like this, but I did get on with him and wanted a new friend. So two days later I texted him to invite him to say I was going to meet some mates in Camden if he wanted to join. Three hours he responded to say "Thanks for offer, I'll have to pass though. G". Maybe I am reading too much into this, but what the hell kind of text is that?

So I spend my weekends watching movies, wishing my life away until something happens.

Anxiety

I have the first of three law exams in three days. I am very anxious, as I haven't sat an exam in, oh, about ten years. I wondered whether a booty call would relax me, but now I am having second thoughts, for a number of reasons:

1. Having to pre-arrange something in advance via facebooko/email removes an element of spontaneity. I sent E a message yesterday to see if he wanted to meet up tonight or tomorrow. He responded to say that either is fine and it is up to me.

2. This approach of pre-arranged, sober, let's just meet up to have sex sort of thing is making me a bit anxious, rather than relaxed - especially when I am already anxious about exams.

3. We never really made plans to hang out together before, so it clearly is only about the sex.

4. I would probably feel the need to have a few drinks in order to bring some order to chaos, or lubricant to what might seem like an odd situation, but in order to keep my brain fresh, it is probably better if I don't drink for the next few days.

5. I feel like I should get up early tomorrow morning, feeling fresh, in order to continue with my revision. this involves not waking up with someone else, perhaps slightly hungover.

6. I am worried that the sex will not make me feel better because:
a. I'm anxious and not relaxed, or
b. it will make me think of AJ and leave me feeling disappointed.

The fact that I can list 6 second thoughts is rather troubling, and i wonder if it would be better if I do not continue with any pre-arranged booty call prior to my exams.

Thursday, 30 April update

My day continued yesterday with feeling pretty low about AJ. However, I ate some chocolate, had a shower, put on makeup, and got myself ready to go out to some sort of gig that E was involved in. On my way to the bus stop, I decided to buy a pack of cigarettes. I wasn't sure if I intended to smoke them, but I wanted the option.

I arrived at the gig and had all sorts of thoughts going around in my head. I was not far from AJ's flat, I wondered if I would see him, or one of his flatmates. I said hello to E and then he went off to chat with other friends. I started to get sweaty palms whilst thinking that I could always stop by AJ's flat to talk, or just go walk past. I decided to have a cigarette. It was a very satisfying cigarette - reminded me of the first cigarette that I had when I was 13. I started to feel a bit more calm.

As the evening went on, I drank a bit more, spent a bit more time with E and his friends, and decided that I wanted to learn to play the ukelele. E and I flirted a bit, talked about my general emotional turmoil, and he suggested (again) that we meet for a drink sometime. The evening wrapped up and I asked E if he wanted to meet me back at our local for one last drink. He cycled and I got the bus.

I arrived back at the pub, which was shutting up. I went and bought some cans from the and waited for E. He arrived, we stood drinking on the street before going back to mine. We went upstairs and started cuddling on the couch and snogging. We discussed the option of him staying over, but he was drunk and tired, and I was just tired and not really in the mood. I did however say that I could do with some rebound sex. E said he would be pleased to assist, as he thought I was a good fuck. We agreed to try to meet up sometime over the weekend in less drunken circumstances. He asked whether we should get some dinner as well, or whether that would be too much like a date. I shook my head - too date like. I wanted some friendly, fun, no strings rebound sex - it might be weird if we had dinner.

As E doesn't have a mobile, he is not the most convenient or spontaneous booty call. The only way for me to get in touch is to send him a message via facebook, which he may or may not get in a reasonable amount of time.

However, it definitely cheered me up to know that I could sleep with E if I want to. I felt the night was a great success because not only did I not sleep with him when I was feeling especially vulnerable, I arranged a booty call (despite the potential problems with contact). It was a great comfort to know that I coul revive a fling.

So I sent him an email to see if he wants to meet up for a drink sometime on Saturday or Sunday.

winning the break up

I have become obsessed with the idea that I need to win the break up. One can do this by having sex with someone first or starting to date someone first, or simply feeling "over it" first. I am clearly not able to do the latter, so I am stuck with sex and dating.

Granted, its been two months, but I am still full of so much anger, resentment and upset. Even though I did the dumping.

I have been acting out, almost smoking a fags again (having quit almost a year ago), getting more drunk than is good for me, seriously contemplating trying to sleep with E again, and when I am really desperate (ie now) seriously contemplating propositioning a random person for rebound/revenge sex.

I saw some photos on facebook today of him out with his flatmates. It made me burst into tears and contemplate calling him for the first time in five weeks. Now that is really desperate. I am angry with myself for not being over it. I desperately want to be, but it is getting worse lately.

Could it be hormones? Or I am I just that pathetic? I've forgotten completely how to get over someone.

Date 1

I went on my first date in a while - from an internet dating site. The guy seemed interesting and cute from his photos. We went to a local pub and had a few pints.

All it made me feel like was that I wished AJ was sitting across from me. Talking came easy to us and it was (almost) always interesting to me. This guy had a nickname, wouldn't tell me his real name, had four cats, hadn't left the country in ten years, was a little bit right wing on immigration and welfare issues, and talked a lot about his mother.

I wondered whether I was this bored on my first date with AJ. Although I couldn't specifically remember what we talked about, and I wasn't sure if I fancied him or not, I remembered that we both didn't seem to want to stop hanging out. Now, I was thinking of when it would be reasonable for me to say I had to go.

The conclusion was that I was not ready to date. However, this didn't stop me from having my first wank in about a month this morning. That helped.

lost and found

I found one of his public hairs in my bed. I knew it was his because it was ginger. It just made me think of how much I enjoyed, genuinely enjoyed, sucking his cock. I don't know whether that will happen again.

I am back on the online dating site I used to frequent. Not because I want to date, but because I want to feel like I could if I wanted to. I browse the profiles designated by someone behind a screen as a potential match for me - I either don't like their pictures, just don't fancy them, or I do, but dismiss them for looking too hip for me. Shoreditch twat, graphic designer, guitar playing kind of hip.

It just makes me miss him all the more - terminally unhip and has a great cock.

Sigh.

Mood

Work annoys me. Boys annoy me. Boys who break my heart because they are useless and I feel forced to break up with them and they still don't call to try to make up annoy me.

Today was a day where it ended drinking free champagne, but I was still cranky. In fact it made me more cranky. The kind where I wanted to throw my phone against the wall again, but my phone is taking a beating lately.

So instead, I sit in bed, having skipped dinner, watching Secret Diary of a Call Girl Season 2, drinking herbal tea. That at least makes me feel a bit better.

Hello 2009 (one year on)

It has been over a year since my last post. I have thought about reviving this for some time, but various issues have gotten in the way - it is only now that I feel compelled.

Overview of the last twelve months:

early March 2008 - Went to house party, met a boy (AJ) and had interesting, but drunken talks about art history. Left with friends, brought friend J home with me. We just cuddled (he has a young girlfriend and they are loved up). In the morning he asked me what I was thinking about. "The cute ginger boy from last night" I said. "Good" he said.

Two weeks later - Had a house party for Easter. Invited cute ginger boy AJ, but he couldn't make it. Also invited various other men and women of interest. Ended up sleeping with the guy who lives across the street, whose name I never remember, who showed up at the party in bunny ears. To my releif, he left the next morning without suggesting we swap numbers.

One week later - Went on a Sunday day-date with AJ. It lasted 12 hours. We didn't even kiss. I was pleased but not positive whether I fanicied him.

One week later - Met AJ at a repeat of the house party where we first met. Got drunk, snogged, he came home with me, went to sleep as too drunk for anything else.

One day later - Spent all day with AJ - fucking in bed, talking, ordering pizza and eating it in bed, playing scrabble, drinking tea. Flatmate KT pulled me to one side and asked what was going on, I never let anyone stay past noon. He stayed until 10pm before going home. I felt very happy.

Time passed, we saw more of each other. We spent weekends in Brighton, a day in Oxford, I met his family, he went on a ten day holiday with me to America to meet my family, he invited me to spend Christmas with his family. I feel in love with him.

On Christmas eve he was laid off and he fell apart. We spent Christmas with his family, but it was ever so slightly strained by his job (or lack there of) stress. In January I was under a lot of pressure from work and he was too absorbed in his own self pity to be supportive. I became angry.

In a fit of frustration and misery, I gave him a two week deadline to start making attempts to sort out his life. After all, it had been a month and he hadn't even contemplated looking for a new job, or doing anything for that matter. We kissed and made up.

Two weeks became two months and he did nothing. And I mean nothing. I can't even contemplate that level of nothing. I dumped him the day after we had a fight that indicated to me that his depression had gotten to the point where he had no ability to think about me, my feelings or my needs. He had become completely absorbed into his depression and was letting his life slip away. He didn't even protest when I broke up with him.

Now, I am devasted. It has been two weeks and two days - all I can do is try to keep busy, to keep my mind occupied. I have never been so accepting of work stress (temporarily) because it keeps me from moping, sulking, and crying.

Thankfully, I have a very busy few weeks ahead of me.