meaning

I think a difficult thing about life is putting all your life meaning into relationships. The problem with this, is that relationships come and go and when they go, we are left without that meaning. So now I am trying to find some meaning for myself that is only dependent on me, not on others.

This is not going to be easy, but it seems important.

Confusion, as usual

I sometimes feel like I am in the mood to bang my head against the table. This might be because of my ever-so-complicated-non-love-life. Or perhaps the tangled web. Since E's birthday we have slept together a few times. It is now a week until he goes to visit his actual (as opposed to secret, ie me) lady friend. He, his friend C, and I had drinks this evening. I foolishly sat across from them both thinking - the reason I want to sleep with C is because it seems like a challenge, slightly wrong (being E's friend) and because he might be nice to wake up to in the morning. I also then looked 8 inches to my left to see E and think - the reason I want to sleep with E is because it is a bit (but less so) of a challenge (bearing in mind time/place/morals/etc), slightly wrong (as he is involved with someone), and because I know he is nice to wake up to in the morning.

I am left feeling a bit pathetic and silly and home on my own. I didn't try to take either of them back - it didn't seem quite right. I could have invited them both back for further drinking, but then I would have just been confused, so there was little point.

And so it goes!