A month after I last had any contact with E because he went underground, he resurfaced when KT rang to invite him and G to her leaving drinks. Boy, was she surprised when he answered and said he would be there.
Just when I had started to get him out of my head and he was gradually dropping off my radar, he turns up, being charming and funny and with sexy new glasses. I was excited and happy to see him, but also a bit pissed off that he could waltz in after being disappeared for over a month and it takes about 5 seconds to realise that I still fancy the pants off him (quite literally it turned out later).
Later, after closing time, KT, me, E and an old flatmate went back to ours to carry on the party. E and I were smoking on the balcony when I drunkenly confession (in a typical blunt style that I have a reputation for), "E, I don't know why, but I really fancy you and that really pisses me off." I don't actually recall his answer, but not long after we were in bed.
On waking with a terrible headache, I downed some water, took some tablets, and hopped back into bed for some hot morning sex, that involved me orgasming without the use of a battery operated device for the first time in I don't know how many years. That, and morning sex before going to work is very satisfying.
So, I'm back to feeling pleased, but also slightly distressed that there is this person who I can't get out of my head, and is very difficult to contact. When parting I said, "So, I'll see you again in, oh, about a month?" He did say he would be around on Saturday and Sunday, but at this point, I'll believe it when i see it.
In the meantime, I'm thinking about my doorbell - when you gonna ring it?
Friday, 29 June 2007
Saturday, 23 June 2007
You keep hanging round me...
Today is a strange day, with over-exhaustion, hangover, lots of mind-fuck thoughts of the Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband, and intrigue, but ultimately ambivalence about the girl I went to bed with last week. The result is me staying in listening to records rather than taking up any of the several options I have for going out tonight.
Last night involved going to be Ex-Husband's band with some mates, getting completely pissed, going to the Roxy. Ex-husband later joined us at the Roxy. Bearing in mind that he hit his one year anniversary for sobriety two days ago, it was slightly surreal to be hanging out with him while I was drunk - this is the second weekend in a row that I have found myself in this situation.
So, me being clever, and drunk, decide to try to talk to him about us, our past, and the fact that I can't possibly get back together with him. He senses this is the direction of the conversation (as we are sat on the stairs in the entryway to the club for quiet) and stops it with "Tereza, you are drunk" signaling that this is not NOT the time to have any such conversation.
We go back in, dance with various men and women, some we know, some we don't. Our friends leave and he asks me if I want to go have a coffee somewhere. We wander through Soho in attempt to find a cafe open at 2am. Success! We drink coffee after coffee, eat cake, smoke and talk until after 3am when we are too tired to continue. We catch the bus homeward and he exits at his stop.
It is strange - I think he is afraid of touching me. Although we try to be friends, and are able to talk and talk and talk about almost anything, we do not hug or kiss hello or goodbye. I try to avoid the over familiarity because I can still see pain in his eyes when he looks at me and I don't entirely know what that means. He probably thinks that if he touches me he will burst into flames.
I crawl into bed as the sky is getting light, after 4am, thinking that I wish I had someone to cuddle with when going to sleep as the sun comes up. I woke up at 9:45am, awake, but hungover. Following breakfast I go to Canary Wharf to meet some friends in order to check out some dance festival in the streets. On the train I start lamenting in my mind about Ex-Husband. All these emotions that have not been present for months are resurfacing - anger, resentment, confusing, thoughts of us as a couple, thoughts of what could have been had things happened differently, thoughts of what would have happened had we met now instead of (almost) 5 years ago, thoughts of why the fuck I was thinking these thoughts.
The weird dance shows and tasty vegetarian dinner clears my thoughts a bit.
Meanwhile, on previously mentioned girl's myspace page I see the following message from her ex, who I knew she was meeting this past week to exchange belongings left:
"A few days ago at yours- We were having a post nookie cuddle and you fell asleep. I watched you sleeping for a while, then put my head to your chest and listened to your heartbeat and also drifted off. That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in the last 15 years."
Hmm, sounds like they exchanged more than books and movies left at each other's flats...
She had said she might come out last night, but texted at the last minute to say that she was ill. I texted her this morning, having seen that message, to ask if she felt better and how the meeting with the ex went. Her response was: "... Meeting was a bit tense to begin with, ended pretty amicably though. Am, out for B [mutual friend]'s birthday if you're around."
Hmm. I'm left confused, unsure of whether to go out to see them tonight, unsure if I really can be bothered, and generally feeling that women are too complicated and confusing for me.
It is now almost 11pm on Saturday night and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself and how to sort myself out.
Last night involved going to be Ex-Husband's band with some mates, getting completely pissed, going to the Roxy. Ex-husband later joined us at the Roxy. Bearing in mind that he hit his one year anniversary for sobriety two days ago, it was slightly surreal to be hanging out with him while I was drunk - this is the second weekend in a row that I have found myself in this situation.
So, me being clever, and drunk, decide to try to talk to him about us, our past, and the fact that I can't possibly get back together with him. He senses this is the direction of the conversation (as we are sat on the stairs in the entryway to the club for quiet) and stops it with "Tereza, you are drunk" signaling that this is not NOT the time to have any such conversation.
We go back in, dance with various men and women, some we know, some we don't. Our friends leave and he asks me if I want to go have a coffee somewhere. We wander through Soho in attempt to find a cafe open at 2am. Success! We drink coffee after coffee, eat cake, smoke and talk until after 3am when we are too tired to continue. We catch the bus homeward and he exits at his stop.
It is strange - I think he is afraid of touching me. Although we try to be friends, and are able to talk and talk and talk about almost anything, we do not hug or kiss hello or goodbye. I try to avoid the over familiarity because I can still see pain in his eyes when he looks at me and I don't entirely know what that means. He probably thinks that if he touches me he will burst into flames.
I crawl into bed as the sky is getting light, after 4am, thinking that I wish I had someone to cuddle with when going to sleep as the sun comes up. I woke up at 9:45am, awake, but hungover. Following breakfast I go to Canary Wharf to meet some friends in order to check out some dance festival in the streets. On the train I start lamenting in my mind about Ex-Husband. All these emotions that have not been present for months are resurfacing - anger, resentment, confusing, thoughts of us as a couple, thoughts of what could have been had things happened differently, thoughts of what would have happened had we met now instead of (almost) 5 years ago, thoughts of why the fuck I was thinking these thoughts.
The weird dance shows and tasty vegetarian dinner clears my thoughts a bit.
Meanwhile, on previously mentioned girl's myspace page I see the following message from her ex, who I knew she was meeting this past week to exchange belongings left:
"A few days ago at yours- We were having a post nookie cuddle and you fell asleep. I watched you sleeping for a while, then put my head to your chest and listened to your heartbeat and also drifted off. That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in the last 15 years."
Hmm, sounds like they exchanged more than books and movies left at each other's flats...
She had said she might come out last night, but texted at the last minute to say that she was ill. I texted her this morning, having seen that message, to ask if she felt better and how the meeting with the ex went. Her response was: "... Meeting was a bit tense to begin with, ended pretty amicably though. Am, out for B [mutual friend]'s birthday if you're around."
Hmm. I'm left confused, unsure of whether to go out to see them tonight, unsure if I really can be bothered, and generally feeling that women are too complicated and confusing for me.
It is now almost 11pm on Saturday night and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself and how to sort myself out.
Monday, 18 June 2007
Party - any excuse
Friday night KT and I threw a bash - it was my 26th birthday two weeks ago, KT leaves in two weeks until September. We'll take any excuse for a party. The planets were in the right line and everyone turned up that said they would, plus more, plus they brought friends. The result was a perfect combination of 30+ people raging it in our flat until well after sunrise.
The highlights:
*A guy I know that I call behind his back "sleazy David": When he is not being a world-class sleaze, he is interesting to talk to and can be fun, as long as he keeps his paws off me. He turned up half in the bag dressed as a Spanish Republican and on form. He managed to piss-off and creep out EVERY SINGLE girl in the place - what an achievement. I have never witnessed anything like it. Ass-grabbing, breast staring, hand-kissing, cheesy compliments, etc. It was endless and when one girl ran away, he turned to the one next to her. At one point a mutual friend asked whether he should take him away because he was afraid the women were going to throw David off the balcony - one in fact threatened to. I said no, because I didn't want the friend to leave. When David fell face down the stairs, I decided it was time to go and said friend was kind enough to take him away.
*I walked up to a sort-up friend out of the blue and said "F, I don't fancy you", much to his bewilderment.
*When I introduced a friend to the ex-husband, her mouth dropped and she explained, repeatedly "THIS is you husband? You are such a cute couple, you shouldn't get divorced!" An awkward (but amusing after the event) moment for all.
*Me hooking up with a really gorgeous and cool girl, in KT's bed (she was passed out on my bed and it seemed to complicated to move, so we shut ourselves into KT's room and got naked).
*Everyone complimenting us the next day on how it was a wicked party! Yeeeaaaaah!
PS, just saw above-mentioned girl and, fingers-crossed, it might be going somewhere. I got hello and goodbye kisses on the lips (she was just collecting the bits she forgot here on Saturday morning and had to jet off) and hopefully we will get together on Friday.
The highlights:
*A guy I know that I call behind his back "sleazy David": When he is not being a world-class sleaze, he is interesting to talk to and can be fun, as long as he keeps his paws off me. He turned up half in the bag dressed as a Spanish Republican and on form. He managed to piss-off and creep out EVERY SINGLE girl in the place - what an achievement. I have never witnessed anything like it. Ass-grabbing, breast staring, hand-kissing, cheesy compliments, etc. It was endless and when one girl ran away, he turned to the one next to her. At one point a mutual friend asked whether he should take him away because he was afraid the women were going to throw David off the balcony - one in fact threatened to. I said no, because I didn't want the friend to leave. When David fell face down the stairs, I decided it was time to go and said friend was kind enough to take him away.
*I walked up to a sort-up friend out of the blue and said "F, I don't fancy you", much to his bewilderment.
*When I introduced a friend to the ex-husband, her mouth dropped and she explained, repeatedly "THIS is you husband? You are such a cute couple, you shouldn't get divorced!" An awkward (but amusing after the event) moment for all.
*Me hooking up with a really gorgeous and cool girl, in KT's bed (she was passed out on my bed and it seemed to complicated to move, so we shut ourselves into KT's room and got naked).
*Everyone complimenting us the next day on how it was a wicked party! Yeeeaaaaah!
PS, just saw above-mentioned girl and, fingers-crossed, it might be going somewhere. I got hello and goodbye kisses on the lips (she was just collecting the bits she forgot here on Saturday morning and had to jet off) and hopefully we will get together on Friday.
Sunday, 10 June 2007
WTF
2 months ago at a gig in Islington I met a guy - S. I was exceedingly drunk and don't recall how I started talking to him, but before long we were having a pash. I took his number, but didn't realise he also took mine. My mates tore me away from him eventually to go on to our local. The next morning I deleted his number, thinking that I would not want to meet someone again that I met when I was that drunk - and indeed, I didn't remember anything about our conversation.
I thought no more of it, until 3 weeks later when I received a mysterious text message saying "Hi T, what are you up to tonight? Don't offend me by not knowing who it is, just fake it." After a bit of banter, I established his identity and remembered the encounter, but not the details.
We texted for several weeks, but were never able to meet up - he was in Amsterdam, I was in Italy, back to Amsterdam, etc. With some persuading from friends, I invited him out last night to catch him before he was off to Holland again (for work, ostensibly).
He managed to find me in the Roxy around 1am and we tried to talk over the noise about music, work, travel and so on. Hand on arm, hand on back, leaning in - it was actually quite some time before we snogged and then even only fleeting - I think he was trying to be a tease and was succeeding. We danced, talked, snogged - hand on leg, hand on ass.
In my current state of sexual frustration, I decided he would be a good shag, and if can make such predictions, and suggested we leave. We had a back and forth about whether to go to his or to mine, but settled on mine. We were at the bus stop, waiting for some time for the night bus - I was sobering up and having second thoughts - the first night in two weeks when I would be able to sleep alone in my room might involve waking up next to someone I don't really know, and I never like "the morning after". He seemed able to sense my hesitation, which he noted. I made a comment about all the "things I have to do tomorrow" and said something stupid about how maybe we should be sensible to do this another time. He hopped on a bus, and mine came a moment later.
I had thought at the time that he had been understanding, we had a goodbye snog and I thought everything was fine and even considered sending him a text on the way home saying that I'd had a good time. When I got home I received a text from him - "Slightly baffled what happened there, but never mind. all the best." That is an "I'm never going to see you again" text if I've ever seen one. I responded to try to smooth it over, but not had a response and he is off to Amsterdam today.
I woke up today though pleased with my decision, pleased to wake up alone, not having to deal with the morning after and having some time to myself. Also entirely frustrated with men.
I thought no more of it, until 3 weeks later when I received a mysterious text message saying "Hi T, what are you up to tonight? Don't offend me by not knowing who it is, just fake it." After a bit of banter, I established his identity and remembered the encounter, but not the details.
We texted for several weeks, but were never able to meet up - he was in Amsterdam, I was in Italy, back to Amsterdam, etc. With some persuading from friends, I invited him out last night to catch him before he was off to Holland again (for work, ostensibly).
He managed to find me in the Roxy around 1am and we tried to talk over the noise about music, work, travel and so on. Hand on arm, hand on back, leaning in - it was actually quite some time before we snogged and then even only fleeting - I think he was trying to be a tease and was succeeding. We danced, talked, snogged - hand on leg, hand on ass.
In my current state of sexual frustration, I decided he would be a good shag, and if can make such predictions, and suggested we leave. We had a back and forth about whether to go to his or to mine, but settled on mine. We were at the bus stop, waiting for some time for the night bus - I was sobering up and having second thoughts - the first night in two weeks when I would be able to sleep alone in my room might involve waking up next to someone I don't really know, and I never like "the morning after". He seemed able to sense my hesitation, which he noted. I made a comment about all the "things I have to do tomorrow" and said something stupid about how maybe we should be sensible to do this another time. He hopped on a bus, and mine came a moment later.
I had thought at the time that he had been understanding, we had a goodbye snog and I thought everything was fine and even considered sending him a text on the way home saying that I'd had a good time. When I got home I received a text from him - "Slightly baffled what happened there, but never mind. all the best." That is an "I'm never going to see you again" text if I've ever seen one. I responded to try to smooth it over, but not had a response and he is off to Amsterdam today.
I woke up today though pleased with my decision, pleased to wake up alone, not having to deal with the morning after and having some time to myself. Also entirely frustrated with men.
Friday, 8 June 2007
Desperate?
Back from a week holiday in Italy with my mother, who is in London until tomorrow. Last night KY and I were at the local with the usual suspects, but both feeling slightly agitated. I walked around the bar to have a peek at the live band, to realise what what getting me down - I needed my mother to leave and I needed a good shag. Having spent the last two weeks with my mother trotting at my heals and staying at the flat, it has slightly cramped my style and ability to even get myself off. So it goes.
I returned to the table and after a bit KT leaned over and said "I know why I'm so grumpy - I need to get laid." We clinked our glasses at the shared realisation about our modiness.
E has been absent for coming up to 3 weeks and counting. Although I was on holiday for one of those weeks, KT, or indeed anyone else we know, has neither seen nor heard from him. All attempts to ring his flat have gone unanswered. KT's message via myspace has not been responded to.
My hopes that my holiday abroad would get him out of my head were dashed, and learning of his continued disappearance on my return fueled both concern for his welfare and paranoia - KT and I wondered, did they move and not tell us? No, I'm sure thats not it, maybe he had a family emergency... I hope they haven't barred our number - we pondered, half in jest.
An attempt to ring him (and G's flat) last night was answered by their flatmate, who said she hadn't seen them all day, but confirmed that they both were about generally. Oh dear, what to make of that? I have decided to leave it until I see or hear from him - I can't go chasing after him.
Tomorrow, in attempt to get ourselves out of our local watching who is coming and going, we have decided to get out of North London and go drinking and dancing elsewhere. With any luck, I'll get a snog or two, and shift my mind elsewhere.
I returned to the table and after a bit KT leaned over and said "I know why I'm so grumpy - I need to get laid." We clinked our glasses at the shared realisation about our modiness.
E has been absent for coming up to 3 weeks and counting. Although I was on holiday for one of those weeks, KT, or indeed anyone else we know, has neither seen nor heard from him. All attempts to ring his flat have gone unanswered. KT's message via myspace has not been responded to.
My hopes that my holiday abroad would get him out of my head were dashed, and learning of his continued disappearance on my return fueled both concern for his welfare and paranoia - KT and I wondered, did they move and not tell us? No, I'm sure thats not it, maybe he had a family emergency... I hope they haven't barred our number - we pondered, half in jest.
An attempt to ring him (and G's flat) last night was answered by their flatmate, who said she hadn't seen them all day, but confirmed that they both were about generally. Oh dear, what to make of that? I have decided to leave it until I see or hear from him - I can't go chasing after him.
Tomorrow, in attempt to get ourselves out of our local watching who is coming and going, we have decided to get out of North London and go drinking and dancing elsewhere. With any luck, I'll get a snog or two, and shift my mind elsewhere.
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