I used to fancy a guy called Owen.

This was at university, many years ago. He was perfect - a genius. We studied at the library together - me politics, him physics. We ate mushrooms and contemplated life together. We enjoyed machinery together. (The reason for this memory is that on the way home from the pub I noticed a giant, yellow tube curled up on a holder - my immediate reaction was that I wanted to lay in it and maybe take photos. I was alone, which made me think of Owen, because he would have always been up for playing.) Problem was, I had a boyfriend, and a serious one at that, at the time. We spent a lot of time together, even the last night of uni (for me), I broke my way into his dorm to see him. We got stoned, went outside, watched the stars, then it rained and we went out separate ways. I was not the cheating type, and he was not the type to encourage it.

I wonder what Owen is up to now. Last I heard, he has a girlfriend and multiple dogs and maybe living in Colorado.

Distraction

Me: "We need a distraction from men and sex."
L: "Well, I'm spending 4,000 quid on a part-time sports massage course, and you are going to spend 7,000 on a part-time law course - both of us working full time. Isn't that distraction enough?"
Me: "Clearly not. Look at us eye-ing up everyone that enters or leaves the bar."
L: "Aren't we sad."

I don't write this because I want to talk about it. I write it because I don't want to talk about it.

I have a work mate who seems to know what I'm feeling before I do.

I walked into work, early for a change, and was told that I either looked exhausted, or pissed off. I thought I was fine, but on reflection I said, maybe both.

At the moment I am broke as a joke. Last night I went to the gym, had a meal at home, then went to bed. I woke up at 12:30 to hear some chatting in the flat. I had an instinct as to who was about, which was confirmed easily.

Tonight on the way to the gym we made it 10 yards before ducking into a pub because my work mate had twenty quid. Now, she is smoking hot, despite being 44, with an 18 year old son. She could pass for at least 10 years less than her age. She recently split with her partner of 10 years, who was an alcoholic shit. Despite this, we talked about feelings of rejections - although she walked away from her partner, he didn't try to stop her; I walked away from ex, but the same, no attempt to stop the situation; then, as trivial as it is, E rejecting me.

It weighs on the mind and is not easy to get rid of.

Getting ready but not laid

There is something about getting ready that gets me in the mind set for going out. Listening to Prince or the Libertines, showering, shaving (and more than the legs), nice knickers, dressed up, makeup, etc - it all makes me ready to go out, meet some new people, and maybe get laid.

The plan goes awry when I arrive at a party awash with drugs, light on men, and none of them take my fancy. Plenty of Absolute and Diet Cokes later, T and I stagger off, get a taxi and head home.

At least I have a vibrator - or six.

Wanting what I can't have

This is a common theme in my love life (or lack thereof) recently.

E was emotionally unavailable, then when he started to sort things out, he has now started seeing someone else. He hasn't yet had the grace to tell me that himself, but I shall be making enquiries of him over breakfast - much to his discomfort, I'm sure.

I chatted with an absolutely lovely man at a pub on Thursday night, whose voice just made me swoon over him - alas, he has a girlfriend that he lives with.

A co-worker and I were in the hallway getting into the lift when a guy walked past, looking suitably geeky in a sweater vest and tie - co-worker poked me and exclaimed in the lift"He is SO your type!" "Yeah, I know, but he is gay and has a boyfriend. Believe me, I already sussed that one out."

We are in the Roxy for happy hour last night when a very cute guy caught my eye. Alas, again, he was drinking smirnoff ice with a straw. I think I can draw a fair conclusion from that.

I'm left feeling not remotely settled in my singledom, which then makes me a bit more anxious. Why can't I just forget about it and get on with my life as a happy person? Why can't I find anything remotely in between casual one night stands and nothing at all? And how can I get over being distressed about this?

Fucking

Me and friend G catching up at a bar in Hoxton.

G: So what's new?
Me: Well, I'm going to meet an artist tomorrow to discuss me posing nude for him.
G: You know he is going to fuck you, right?
Me: Um, well, the thought had crossed my mind, but not tomorrow. I have made a resolution to not fuck people the day I meet them.
G: What?! But that was part of your charm
Me: ?!!?!