I have become obsessed with the idea that I need to win the break up. One can do this by having sex with someone first or starting to date someone first, or simply feeling "over it" first. I am clearly not able to do the latter, so I am stuck with sex and dating.
Granted, its been two months, but I am still full of so much anger, resentment and upset. Even though I did the dumping.
I have been acting out, almost smoking a fags again (having quit almost a year ago), getting more drunk than is good for me, seriously contemplating trying to sleep with E again, and when I am really desperate (ie now) seriously contemplating propositioning a random person for rebound/revenge sex.
I saw some photos on facebook today of him out with his flatmates. It made me burst into tears and contemplate calling him for the first time in five weeks. Now that is really desperate. I am angry with myself for not being over it. I desperately want to be, but it is getting worse lately.
Could it be hormones? Or I am I just that pathetic? I've forgotten completely how to get over someone.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
Saturday, 4 April 2009
Date 1
I went on my first date in a while - from an internet dating site. The guy seemed interesting and cute from his photos. We went to a local pub and had a few pints.
All it made me feel like was that I wished AJ was sitting across from me. Talking came easy to us and it was (almost) always interesting to me. This guy had a nickname, wouldn't tell me his real name, had four cats, hadn't left the country in ten years, was a little bit right wing on immigration and welfare issues, and talked a lot about his mother.
I wondered whether I was this bored on my first date with AJ. Although I couldn't specifically remember what we talked about, and I wasn't sure if I fancied him or not, I remembered that we both didn't seem to want to stop hanging out. Now, I was thinking of when it would be reasonable for me to say I had to go.
The conclusion was that I was not ready to date. However, this didn't stop me from having my first wank in about a month this morning. That helped.
All it made me feel like was that I wished AJ was sitting across from me. Talking came easy to us and it was (almost) always interesting to me. This guy had a nickname, wouldn't tell me his real name, had four cats, hadn't left the country in ten years, was a little bit right wing on immigration and welfare issues, and talked a lot about his mother.
I wondered whether I was this bored on my first date with AJ. Although I couldn't specifically remember what we talked about, and I wasn't sure if I fancied him or not, I remembered that we both didn't seem to want to stop hanging out. Now, I was thinking of when it would be reasonable for me to say I had to go.
The conclusion was that I was not ready to date. However, this didn't stop me from having my first wank in about a month this morning. That helped.
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