I don't write this because I want to talk about it. I write it because I don't want to talk about it.

I have a work mate who seems to know what I'm feeling before I do.

I walked into work, early for a change, and was told that I either looked exhausted, or pissed off. I thought I was fine, but on reflection I said, maybe both.

At the moment I am broke as a joke. Last night I went to the gym, had a meal at home, then went to bed. I woke up at 12:30 to hear some chatting in the flat. I had an instinct as to who was about, which was confirmed easily.

Tonight on the way to the gym we made it 10 yards before ducking into a pub because my work mate had twenty quid. Now, she is smoking hot, despite being 44, with an 18 year old son. She could pass for at least 10 years less than her age. She recently split with her partner of 10 years, who was an alcoholic shit. Despite this, we talked about feelings of rejections - although she walked away from her partner, he didn't try to stop her; I walked away from ex, but the same, no attempt to stop the situation; then, as trivial as it is, E rejecting me.

It weighs on the mind and is not easy to get rid of.