You keep hanging round me...

Today is a strange day, with over-exhaustion, hangover, lots of mind-fuck thoughts of the Soon-to-be-Ex-Husband, and intrigue, but ultimately ambivalence about the girl I went to bed with last week. The result is me staying in listening to records rather than taking up any of the several options I have for going out tonight.

Last night involved going to be Ex-Husband's band with some mates, getting completely pissed, going to the Roxy. Ex-husband later joined us at the Roxy. Bearing in mind that he hit his one year anniversary for sobriety two days ago, it was slightly surreal to be hanging out with him while I was drunk - this is the second weekend in a row that I have found myself in this situation.

So, me being clever, and drunk, decide to try to talk to him about us, our past, and the fact that I can't possibly get back together with him. He senses this is the direction of the conversation (as we are sat on the stairs in the entryway to the club for quiet) and stops it with "Tereza, you are drunk" signaling that this is not NOT the time to have any such conversation.

We go back in, dance with various men and women, some we know, some we don't. Our friends leave and he asks me if I want to go have a coffee somewhere. We wander through Soho in attempt to find a cafe open at 2am. Success! We drink coffee after coffee, eat cake, smoke and talk until after 3am when we are too tired to continue. We catch the bus homeward and he exits at his stop.

It is strange - I think he is afraid of touching me. Although we try to be friends, and are able to talk and talk and talk about almost anything, we do not hug or kiss hello or goodbye. I try to avoid the over familiarity because I can still see pain in his eyes when he looks at me and I don't entirely know what that means. He probably thinks that if he touches me he will burst into flames.

I crawl into bed as the sky is getting light, after 4am, thinking that I wish I had someone to cuddle with when going to sleep as the sun comes up. I woke up at 9:45am, awake, but hungover. Following breakfast I go to Canary Wharf to meet some friends in order to check out some dance festival in the streets. On the train I start lamenting in my mind about Ex-Husband. All these emotions that have not been present for months are resurfacing - anger, resentment, confusing, thoughts of us as a couple, thoughts of what could have been had things happened differently, thoughts of what would have happened had we met now instead of (almost) 5 years ago, thoughts of why the fuck I was thinking these thoughts.

The weird dance shows and tasty vegetarian dinner clears my thoughts a bit.

Meanwhile, on previously mentioned girl's myspace page I see the following message from her ex, who I knew she was meeting this past week to exchange belongings left:

"A few days ago at yours- We were having a post nookie cuddle and you fell asleep. I watched you sleeping for a while, then put my head to your chest and listened to your heartbeat and also drifted off. That was the best night’s sleep I’ve had in the last 15 years."

Hmm, sounds like they exchanged more than books and movies left at each other's flats...

She had said she might come out last night, but texted at the last minute to say that she was ill. I texted her this morning, having seen that message, to ask if she felt better and how the meeting with the ex went. Her response was: "... Meeting was a bit tense to begin with, ended pretty amicably though. Am, out for B [mutual friend]'s birthday if you're around."

Hmm. I'm left confused, unsure of whether to go out to see them tonight, unsure if I really can be bothered, and generally feeling that women are too complicated and confusing for me.

It is now almost 11pm on Saturday night and I'm trying to figure out what to do with myself and how to sort myself out.