crushing

KT and I went to a housewarming on the edge of the earth (NW10) to find that it was actually just watching Eurovision. KT spent the night on the phone to her BF and I spent mine texting with a mystery man, who it turned out I had snogged three weeks ago in the Hope and Anchor, then deleted his number in the morning, not realising that he had my number.

We left in time to get the last trains home, and on the way out the door I rang E to see if he wanted to meet in the pub in an hour. He was working to a deadline of today and was slightly worried, but said he could probably use a break. I was thrilled because I was wearing a very short dress, which is probably more accurately described as a long shirt - with leggings - a look I quite like. I was also wearing some of by best knickers and had shaved earlier.

It took us about an hour and a half to get there, after a wrangle with the trains and buses. By that time I was desperate for a drink and a fag. Plenty of lovely people arrives, but no sign of E. As last orders approached KT said "He's not coming" and I agreed.

As everyone dispersed, T and I were the last to leave the bar, which was noted by the bouncer as the norm and bid us farewell by saying "see you next weekend". A slightly disconcerting reputation.

I went home, whinged to KT about how I had hoped to get laid that night, gave E a comment on myspace, and listened to Bright Eyes until fell asleep on the couch for the second night in a row.

Although I have seen/slept with a number of people since soon-to-be-ex-husband and I split up, this is the first time I have actually liked someone and look forward to seeing them and get a bit nervous and gitty, which has me right freaked out about it. Its scary, but also exciting, and feels positive because it is at least forward movement and proves to me that I am not in fact emotionally crippled after the demise of my marriage (which had been weighing on my mind).

What is interesting is that my mother is going through a similar situation at the moment, except she does not really fancy the guy she has been dating, but she has been disrupted by the fact that a man has come into her life in a romantic sense for the first time in the ten years since my parents got divorced. She is scared and nervous and confused about whether she likes him and if not, whether it is just because she is too scared.

As I get older, I find it very endearing to realise emotoinal commonalities with my mother, though it is also at times slightly worrying.